Thursday, June 12, 2014

11.5 months!

Wow, to think I'll soon be hitting the one year mark. To be honest, I thought I'd be much more excited, but unfortunately not much has changed. Yes, things are waaaaay better than my first few months of tsw, but right now I feel as if I haven't been making any progress at all. In fact, my skin is doing worse now than it was in the winter.  The ooze has returned on my hands and legs, and occasionally on my eyelids and chest after I go out somewhere.  

I notice that every time I leave the house, my skin gets worse, even if I'm only gone for less than a couple of hours. I decided to take my nephew to the park a couple weeks ago, thinking it would be a good idea to get some fresh air, but that didn't turn out so well. Seems like each time this happens, I end up lying in my bed for like, a whole week until my skin starts to clear up and I feel better again.  Ughhhh it's so frustrating.  I don't know what's best for me anymore. I keep thinking of all the time I'm wasting doing nothing, and so naturally, I decide to push myself a bit, and then end up regretting it.

There are times I wish that I had either waited to do tsw or had started earlier. I constantly think of how I should have been graduating high school with my friends, going to prom, having my photo in the yearbook, and just overall enjoying my senior year of high school. My dreams of getting into a good college is what had motivated me into doing my best all my high school years. Because of this determination, I was the goody two shoes who did all her work and always came home before 5 on school days.  Sure, I understand that I only need to wait one extra year, no big deal.  But what hurts the most is seeing your classmates who have drastically changed over the past year while you haven't changed at all (in fact, it feels more as if you've sunken down to the bottom of nowhere). That guy who would always cut class and never do his work? In just this one year he got his act together and is going away to college. That friend who'd always ask you to tag along to some party and stay out with her past midnight? She's now an A+ student. That girl who would always smoke weed in the girls bathroom? She's cooperating with the teachers so she'll be able to graduate this year. It really hurts that I've tried so hard, yet all I can do is wait while everyone else moves forward.

I guess this has all made me realize not to take things for granted. When I think like this, I feel as if tsw is making me a stronger person day by day. Now I feel as if I know how truly amazing it is to live.  

Sorry for rambling, I know I tend to get off topic and talk of things unrelated to tsw.  Maybe I should just learn to enjoy this challenge and focus more on what I can get out of this experience. (I know I say all this sappy stuff, but in all honesty my attitude is terrible and I'm nothing but an emotional wreck!) 

I hope you guys can all somewhat try to enjoy the rest of your day, and then hopefully the next day and the next! 

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