Am I Winning?

"You know, school is starting soon. You should probably... Start taking your cream again."

What? No no no no no. How could my dad be saying this to me? 

I strongly objected to his idea. No way could I possibly start using steroids again after all my hard work. It's already going on almost 2 months!!

My dad was worried about me, I knew that.  How would I go to school when some days I can hardly walk or have the energy to do anything? What if my skin got worse and got an infection? 

So I agreed with my dad that I would go to the doctor. I was scared out of my mind. I've read so many stories of the dreaded experience of people going to ignorant dermatologists who didn't believe in steroid addiction. I was even more terrified because I didn't want my dad to side with the doctor. But I was hoping that since I was going to a family doctor instead of a dermatologist, they would be more understanding. Boy, was I wrong.  

The next day, I took a bath before I got ready to go to the doctor. When I got out, my skin felt like it was burning.  I knew burning was the most common symptom of TSW, but my skin was hurting so badly. I tried to put my cream on and put my clothes on. I was getting late for my appointment, and all I through on was a tshirt and some sweats. By the time I got into the car, I realized I needed a sweater. My skin hurt so much and I hated the way the air felt on me. I was also cold since I still had trouble regulating my body temperature. Not to mention, I was having my time of the month, which really sucked. And then I became overwhelmed. I bursted into tears in the car.  

When we got to the doctor's office, I was still crying uncontrollably. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I never cry in public, but I was probably just so stressed out. The ladies at the front desk looked astonished. By the time I calmed down, my skin was still hurting and I was freezing cold. I I overheard the ladies talking to my dad, saying that the doctor would be late and probably wouldn't arrive till a half hour. I begged my mom to let me into the car where it was warmer. The ladies were questioning my parents what was wrong with me and telling them that the heat would aggravate my skin more. My mom told them that I really did feel cold, so they took us to a room that was warmer. They then began to take my temperature. 98 degrees, normal. One of the ladies told me they had to take blood from me. 

"You're not afraid of shots, are you?" She asked and laughed. I felt like i was bring treated like a little baby. I guess it made sense since I came in looking like an emotional wreck. 

She held my arm and looked at it. "We have a patient whose skin looks like yours. It's much worse."

I really felt like she was telling me that I was in no position to cry right now. Which really made me upset because I was in so much pain right now and she would never know. She would just think of me as some over dramatic teenager that probably goes crying to her mommy if she got the littlest cut. 

So anyway, the doctor arrived an hour late. I was hoping that this was all going to be worth the wait. When he walked in, he was all jolly. He asked me the usual questions a doctor asks a patient with eczema. You know what I mean. If you've gone to many dermatologists, you've probably gotten tired of the same old questions and memorized the same replies you always make. 

I clearly told him that I have quit using topical steroids for almost two months, and that I don't want to take them again. He examined my body, and despite all of that, he started talking to my parents about prescribing me some steroid cream and ORAL STEROIDS. He also said he'd prescribe me some antibiotics. 

I was getting angry that he wasn't listening to what I said. Before I could even speak, my dad told him that oral steroids was probably what I needed since my whole body was inflamed. 

I couldn't believe it, he was winning my dad over!!!!! I was getting so mad that the tears were coming back up. I tried to hold them in, but I was just so upset that my dad was listening to this guy. 

My mom saw me crying and told me gently, "You can speak up, Erena." 

So I told the doctor again, "I don't want to use steroids." 

The doctor laughed and said, "You're skin won't get better unless you take it. Take the oral steroids today and tomorrow you'll feel muuuch better!"

I was terrified by this guy's enthusiasm in his voice. I watched as he wrote down the three prescriptions and handed them to my dad. I immediately left the room with my mom and rushed to the car, I didn't want to see anyone's face right now. 

"It's okay, you don't have to take the steroids, Erena. You're working so hard, I know you can do it" my mom said. 

"Thank you so much for supporting me Mommy."

Once my dad arrived to the car, I told him right away, "Okay, I might take the antibiotics. but I'm not taking the steroids."

He began to argue back, "what are you going to do with your skin like this?? Who knows how long this is going to go on!!?"

"She's already made up her mind and nothing will make her change. Go ahead and buy the steroids, but she won't use them," said my mom. 

At that moment, I was so happy. My mom truly was amazing. 

My dad drove to Walgreens to drop off my prescription. When he came back , I was surprised to see that all he got were the antibiotics. For sure, I thought he'd buy the steroids anyway, thinking that I might change my mind. But he didn't. I guess he's starting to realize that I'm not giving up. 

So I guess you can say I won? 

Week ... 7?

So last week I had said I was on week 5, but it turns out I was on week 6 because I didn't realize July had 5 weeks. Kinda made me happy that I am slightly farther into tsw than I thought :D

So my skin this week.... To sum it up in one word, it would be a rollercoaster! I never knew I could have so many ups and downs in just one week! Monday through Thursday, I was mostly oozing. Friday, things started to dry up, and by Saturday, I was a flaky mess!!!

My mood was horrible for most of the week, but Saturday, I actually had a lot of fun. I went to a Japanese festival in New Jersey! (I am half japanese) Friday night, my mom was worried about me going because I looked so sick and miserable, but I told her that I really wanted to go. I usually go there every year, and I didn't want to miss out this year either just because of my skin. I wanted to have fun. I didn't want to spend the rest of my summer vacation in my bed like a sick person.

When Saturday arrived, I was surprised that i felt so much better. I felt so lucky! I had such a great time, despite flakes falling off me everywhere I walked. Of course things would've been even more fun if I didn't have to worry about my skin so much. My legs ached a bit, so I still couldn't really walk too much.  My mom noticed they looked really swollen. I think I have edema? It's been like this for the past 3-4 days. 

Sunday, my skin started oozing again. Like, a lot. I had a towel next to me the whole day. And that night, the oozing was terrible. Every part of my body was wet and it was so hard to sleep. I also felt like my body heating up, but whenever I took off the covers, I would get cold. 

Anyway, here are some pictures I took this week. 

Right here I was waiting for the train...

This is my skin after I get out of the shower.  It's really red at first, but as the day goes by, the color goes down a bit. When I'm lucky, it's not too noticeable. 

Here's me and my mom :D

And that's how my week went, guys :D I may be going through a hard time, but I hope I can still spend my days happy and less stressed just like I did on Saturday. VIRTUAL HIGH FIVE FOR POSITIVE THINKING!! <3

Things Will Get Better

My skin, as usual, is very dry today. Thee is a lot of flakes. I looked at myself in the mirror and it looked like I was growing a white beard!  I just can't find anything that will moisturize my face. My face used to get really dry before tsw, but never this dry! I hope it's not too noticeable because I don't want my friends to see. My friends are all great and I know they will all support me, but that still doesn't stop me from feeling embarrassed.

I feel like my skin is getting a little better each day. It was a whole lot less painful to get out of bed this morning. I know I should be happy that I'm physically improving, but emotionally, I'm getting worse each day. People are starting to notice how tired and unhappy I look. I'm never like this.  Whenever something happens, I'm usually able to smile through it, but now it's so hard and I feel like I'm giving off a terrible vibe to people.  

Sometimes I just feel like taking a break from this all. Like, just for one day, I won't have to worry about my skin at all.  I'd be able to concentrate in class. Get more rest. Hang out with my friends and eat all the junk they eat and wear what they wear. 

But I'm definitely not giving up, I've worked so hard to get up to this point and It would all just be a waste if I were to quit. I probably wouldn't even be able to forgive myself.  Once this is done, it'll all be worth it because I can finally become a normal teenager.  Yes, I only have about three years until I'll be 20 and no longer a teen, but that's just enough time for me to catch up on everything I was never able to do or enjoy because of my skin.  

Feeling Better

I feel so much better today than I did these past four days or so. My skin is still red and sore, but I can move my body around freely! It is a rainy day today which means humidity, but my skin still gets really dry somehow.

I am a bit nervous going out today, I hope I will be ok. I'll be gone for 7 hours in a classroom with an AC on full blast, which is probably going to dry out my skin further. Not only that, my body temperature is still out of control. Last night I could only get about two hours of sleep because of this. I don't know how I'm going to heal if I can't even get enough sleep.

My Eyelids

My eyelids are always feeling so dry. I also look like I got punched in one eye because the other one isn't as discolored.  It sucks because as much as I love make up, I can't put anything on at all. 

But with my glasses, it kinda hides most of it. Although I do have those times when people notice and ask what happened to my eye. Sometimes they also think I'm wearing eyeshadow. 

The rest of my face gets really dry and red in some parts, but luckily, I don't get any bad rashes. I just hope it doesn't get too bad. 

This is me a few weeks ago when my skin was more under control, I just can't wait for me to feel that way again. 

Week 5

Right at this moment as I type, I am in my bathtub. I grinded up some oatmeal and put some inside.

The lighting is really weird in this picture.

I feel really miserable today. These past few weeks I have been feeling hot one minute and cold the next.  I was having such a hard time sleeping last night because I'd be shivering one minute and then steaming hot the next.  I've been sleeping with huge thick covers AND the fan on at the same time. 

Also, I have been setting alarms to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can put some cream on. I'd say it kinda helps because if I sleep right through the whole night, I end up feeling so dry in the morning that it hurts so much to get up.  It is extremely painful and probably one of the worst parts of my day. Once I am able to get up, I try my best to run to the shower for relief.

I'm a bit scared about school starting in September because this is just so time consuming. Everyday this summer, I've just been so preoccupied with my skin. What's going to happen when I'll have to be in school for almost 8 hours a day? Not to mention, it takes me about a total of 2 hours to commute to and from school each day since I go to school in Manhattan. I don't want to miss days of school just because of my skin. This is my senior year!

Today, my skin has been aching from scratching all over. I feel horrible for letting myself scratch so much. My skin is starting to ooze, which is really disgusting    . I also feel like I smell bad. Tomorrow I have summer college classes. There are only six more days left to the program, so I do not want to be absent, but I just don't know what I'm going to do. What am I going to wear? I haven't shaved my legs in a while and my skin looks terrible, so I feel uncomfortable showing my skin. But if I put jeans on, I feel like I'd irritate my skin more and that the ooze will get all over it. 

Looks like it's time to go shopping for more loose and comfortable clothes. But that's a bit hard to do when all you see in the stores are skinny jeans and other tight clothing. So I'd like to know, what do you guys wear when you are going out?

Here Marks The Beginning of My Blog

Hello everyone! My name is Erena and I am currently a high school senior. I have been dealing with eczema for as long as I can remember- pretty much all of my childhood. I have started using steroid creams for possibly around 8 years or so. Being a senior, I am thinking about many different options for college. Going to  college away from home will definitely be a definite no if my skin doesn't get any better, so that is why I am hoping that things will get better soon. I do not want to have to limit my choices just because of this skin condition of mine.

So far, I have been dealing with TSW for a little over a month now, I'd say about 5 weeks or so. Let me just tell you, things are definitely not pretty. I wish I had started this blog from day 1, but I have never even thought about doing so until now. Right now, I feel like I'm at the worst point I've ever been in years, and I feel like I just have to let everything out. It would be great to have everyone's support. I also help that my blog will be able to help someone out there.

I'm currently 16 going on 17. Yes, I do seem to be like one of those annoying teenagers at times. I'm a bit childish and a whiny crybaby. But just think about it, if I can do it, then I know that anyone else reading this can do it too.